11/30/2010

Words, Words, Words.
I've been to busy to write. It's been a crazy month and a half since I last wrote. Well, not too crazy, but there hasn't been enough hours in the day for me to sit down and just write. So, now I am going to take the advantage of this "free time" in front of me and use it.
So I sit here, in my dorm room, and I reflect. I look to my right and see a big box, full of my roommates memories and treasures. These upcoming three weeks will be our final weeks together before she leaves, for good. From this state, From this town, from this school, from this room, from me. She's going back home to Kihei, Maui, Hawaii, and there's nothing I can do about it. Her mind is set. She wants to be home, where things are just right for her. Closer to her boyfriend, closer to the things she knows, and misses. I so wish there was something I could do. Since August 26th till right now, all our days spent together, every moment together has developed our friendship. In the span of these four months, she has become my best friend. With our constant laughs, and stories, it is apparent that we were a perfect roommate match. Sure there are a few things that frustrate me about her, but it's so easy to look past it, because she is my best friend. So many ideas, run through my mind to make her stay. The thing is, it won't make her happy. There's nothing wrong with this campus, thats making her go away. I know that for sure. I've seen her smile and be happy here. For those few moments when she isn't thinking about him, I know she can be happy. But those moments don't last long, because her cell phone starts to ring, and there he is reminding her how far away he is from her.
So, I'll be nice, and let her go. Let her be where she wants to be, and who she wants to be. I will continue to stare at this box, and any other box that come my way from now until Decemeber 16th. I will watch her pack all her belongings and take them back. I will try to create as many memories as I can with the limitied time we have left, because who knows when I will see her again. It could be in 4 months, it could be a year, it could be 5 years, and it could be never. No matter what happens I will treasure every memory we had together, because this friendship is not one to forget.

I'm Gong to miss you. So much

Harry Potter 7 Part One Midnight Premiere

10/15/2010

Now, I am 19 years old &

I sit here and reflect. I look upon this past year and just think about everything that happened and didn't happen. I'm thinking about who I was as a person then, and who I am as a person now. Definitely a year older, maybe wiser, maybe stronger, but I'm definitely different. 18 started off rough. Busy with my senior year of high school, busy with college applications, busy with IB classes, busy with those stupid standardized college tests. Just busy. My future was unknown at this point, and that was scary. My relationships with certain people in my life were on the rocks. Alone, almost like no one understood was going on in my head. Just plastering on a fake smile, saying I was ok, and just dreading everyday. There was no fun in my life, that's for freaking sure. November and Decemeber went by like a haze. Nothing to report, just school and dreading it all. I remember having hope that maybe, just maybe that second semester of senior year would get better. It stayed the same. trying so hard to please people, and make them proud. I wasn't doing anything that made me happy. One of my best memories though was visiting Pacific, and just falling in love with the place. Everything about it just seemed right. It wasn't like I just made my decision right there to attend, but I could see myself going there. Spring break came and went and I heard back from all my schools. April, was decision making month. What a process that I don't ever want to relive. Just going back and forth, from this school to another. Talks abotu money, and can I really succeed. But finally, April 27th, at around 11:50, I made the best decision of my entire life. I chose to attend Pacific. After making that decisions, life seemed to get better. Senior events came around making the end so bittersweet, then end of IB hell was coming to and end, Prom was a blast with friends I'll keep forever, and graduation. May was a great month, especially that memorial day weekend. It was all too perfect. Summer wouldn't have been better. best summer of my life. Even though I took classes, it was still amazing! I loved it. Developing a relationship with that special someone, becoming friends with people I will never forget, and just spending my last few moments at home. August; what a whirlwind month. I said my hardest goodbyes and my happiest hellos. Moved to a new place that I now call my home, had cupid strike me with his bow and fall in love, and made friends of a lifetime. September just escalated. Everyday just got better and better with memories that will last me a lifetime. So many firsts it's hard to explain it all! Now it's October, and I can only see things getting better. my life at this moment, is literally at it's best, and I know that it's only getting better. I really look forward to this year to come as I celebrate each day with the people I have grown to love. I know I will spend my next year doing things I want and doing things that will make me happy. I will get out of my teen years with a BANG.

Happy Fucking Birthday to Me. =D

09/28/2010

Lying there,
Next to you,
Staring into your ocean blue eyes,
Your warm sweet coffee breath inflaming my nose,
Huddling close to keep warm,
Breathing hard with wonders of what you're thinking about,
Stealing kisses,
Listening to the waves crash,
In unison with your heart beat,
Playing with your hair,
And hands,
Trying to be sneaky and poking your arms,
Smiling for no reason except happiness,
Just staring into those ocean blue eyes,
Feeling so lucky,
To have found someone like you.


Every day, every moment, every breathe I take
is filled with your thoughts.
Yearning to see you, to hold you.
Then finally being with you,
and wanting the world to just
STOP.
So
You
and Me
could just stay there
in that moment forever.

This past month has been nothing but great.
Each week with you progressively gets better.
Who would have thought that one message many moons ago,
could lead to something as powerful as what we have now.
If this month can be as amazing as it has been,
I cannot wait to see what our future together hold.
But as far as I can see right now...
You + Me
Living our dreams
Living our life
With nothing but an adventurous mind,
& Love in our hearts.

Happy One Month Babe! <3 I love you more than anything else in this world.

Our Beach

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWiwuiT58Yc&ob=av2n

09/11/2010

I've been here, in my new home for three weeks, that's 21 days, 504 hours [about]. In these past few weeks, I finally have been able to be me. Feel free, make my own decisions about what I do, and when I do it. I can finally tell people that I'm a college student, living on my own, 1352 miles away from home, and loving every fucking minute of it. This may seem wrong to you, but I don't miss home. Not one bit. I have finally been able to taste the freedom that I have been longing for the longest time. In these three weeks, I have accomplished so many things. Living on my own, my first kiss, skydiving, meeting new people on a day to day basis, finding my new best friends, and my first love. <3 It's just amazing! There's just so much positivity about everything that's going on in my life right now. Everything, for once is going right. I'm surrounded by people who I know I can count on, and away from people who bring nothing but negativity. I'm in love with my best friend. The one guy that just makes everything better, and everytime we're together I learn something new about him that makes me love him more. I really cannot express it enough. I am in love with everything in my life. I'm finally living my life to the degree I want. ME! I no longer worry about certain consequences that associate with where I lived before. Coming to Pacific Northwest was the best decision I have ever made. I know for a fact this is where I'm supposed to be and every day here confirms it.

I didn't know that life could be so perfect, but apparently it can.

08/27/2010

I can not wait to see you.

The Anticipation is killing me.

There are not enough words to describe what I'm feeling inside.

Saturday is almost here...

<3

08/10/2010

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you're never happy. I can't ever do anything right. EVER. I feel useless and like a burden. I hate it when you blame others for the reasons, and not yourself. Did you ever maybe think that it's you that creates all this animosity, all these problems. Your attitude that makes this house a negative environment to live in. Everyday is like walking on pins and needles, you don't know when one's going to hurt you. Sometimes I feel like it's your aim to get me into this state of self doubt, and self pity. I have no confidence in myself. I feel like I will never be able to attain and reach my goals in life. I feel like I can't do anything. All this panic, all this pain. I just want to get away from it. Yes, I will finally be moving away from all of it, but I feel like your words will constantly haunt me. Even with being 1,352 miles away, I will continue to feel your pressure hovering over me. A distraction telling me that I can't do it. I'm not smart enough, I am just but a disappointment to everyone. I feeling I hate to feel. And to think that just 30 minutes ago, I was laughing and smiling. And in one moment it all came crashing down. I'm trying so hard not to hate things, but it's situations like this that make me use this "profanity."I just don't know. It hurts so much to live in this kind of environment. I sometimes just can't control what I'm feeling, and maybe one day I'll just lash out! I almost did today, but thankfully you didn't hear my words. that would've created more problems. Something I don't need more of. There's so much left to do, and not enough time to get it done. And these feelings are not what needs to be here right now. We need to be civil and at least appreciate the time that's left. The time left until we don't see eachother for a while. or maybe that's exactly what we need. time apart. Maybe you'll realize and I'll realize how we can fix this relationship, if we even can fix it. or how wrong you are about me. I don't know. i used to be so sure abou everything, and now everyday I question my decisions. Everything. Every step I've taken to go for my dreams. Did you ever believe I could do it? Siince day one, did you believe? Because I know now that you don't have any faith in me. The faith that will probably give me that extra push to do well. I'm missing that... I need someone to fill it, if your not able to do so.

Thankfully, there's that one guy. who listens, and does believe in me. I'm thankful everyday to have that guy helping me fill and patch up that hole, that part that you took away from me. I sometimes don't think I would be able to hold my ground and sometimes even believe in myself for just a little bit without him. He helps me so much with what you destroy in me.

So maybe, I don't need you and your negativity. I don't need the crap and the bullshit to make me into something I'm not. Something I'm not happy about. Because right now, I'm feeling lost and helpless. Two of the many emotions that I hate to feel. I want to be happy again. Hopeful about my future. Confident about everything I do. It's a good thing I'm moving. Away from this, getting a little less of you, and more of him. And more of him means a better me...

08/02/2010

Rain...
Sweet Sweet Rain.
The peaceful pitter patter on the window.
The flashes and rumbles that push adrenaline into your veins.
The screams of excitement as kids [and even grown men and women] dance.
Giving life to the flowers, and trees, and shrubberies.
Quenching the animal kingdom.

Bringing out the creatures that hide in the dirt.

Making the world new, fresh, and beautiful.

I love Colorado in the late summer. Every night it rains, the mornings just get more beautiful.

Counting down the days until I will experience this in my new home. 21days.
My excitement is like building up like a storm! Once I land, I'm going to explode with flashes of my camera, screaming with excitement about how amazing everything is, and the water works when I have to say goodbye to the family. But once the storm is over... I'll wake up in the morning feeling new, fresh, and hopefully beautiful. =]

07/28/2010

25 days.

25 days left in the place I've called home for the past 13 years.

25 days left in my comfort zone.

25 days left to cherish 25 important aspects of my life:

1. Mom's constant nagging to get up in the morning

2. Buying the powerball every Wednesday and Saturday for dad
3. Laughing at Karan's jokes, and faces
4. My closest friends
5. Watching crappy quality Indian movies that my dad "got" with the family
6. Eating quality Indian food
7. The annoying dramatic effects found in Indian soap operas
8. Knowing that dad is right upstairs working hard
9. Watching Shahrukh Khan and simultaneously sighing with mama
10. Secretly having late night phone calls, skype dates, and sending texts much later than I should.
11. Moses
12. My room, my bed, my red wall
13. Inside jokes
14. Dad's crazily creative metaphors of life
15. Watching trashy tv shows with the brother
16. The computer next to me buzzing
17. The incessant clicking as Karan texts mysterious friends
18. Cooking whenever I'm feeling stressed
19. Dad telling me to take pictures of Colorado's wacky weather
20. Nikon CoolpixP90
21. Hearing mom's cell phone go off at odd hours of the night
22. The inviting noises from the kitchen
23. The smell of Chai in the morning and knowing how much I don't like it.
24. Frantically searching for scissors cause they're never in the right spot.
25. Importantly, hugging everyone that means so much to whenever I wanted too


=]


Everyday my excitement increases.


But


Memories about the past 18 years rush back with full force.


The good times, the bad times, and even the not so important times.


25 days and all this won't be the same anymore.


POOF! Gone...

07/24/2010

The Mind of a soon to be college student that only has one month left until she moves away from home:

Sporadic

It's like every thought these days in my mind are just about everything. Literally, everything. Thoughts of the world, the ocean, the beach, my new home, my old home, my family, my new friends, my old friends, work, money, health, new adventures, old adventures, clothes, food, class, and fear. The one that enstills in my mind with the greatest soft abundance is fear. The fear of how everything in a month is going to change. In 30 days, I will be on my own, knowing my current support group (except for 1) and my family are so far away. 21 hours by car, 2 hours by plane. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited more than words can describe about the move. Seeing that new best friend that after three years of never really talking, and in just two months knowing almost every single detail about one another. Then there's the Fresh new perspectives, and where people don't know me for who I used to be, but who I am now. Somewhere where I won't be that lonely person, and knowing that is a great feeling. Yet, there's that fear that sits in the back of my mind. Whispering... gnawing at my brain. What if it turns out to be the worst decision I made, nothing turns out right, I just straight up FAIL. I screw it all up. For me, and the people that care the most around me. I don't want it to happen. It's like I keep telling myself everyday, "You know you can just avoid it all, and not go. That way you won't fail." But the need to go thankfully is so much more prevalent. I don't know, it's just making me crazy. I'm now definite about this decison to move, I'm not going to turn my back and walk away from it. But it's the hushed fear that just makes me think about every possible thing that could wrong, instead of every possible thing that could go right.  

What's going to happen to me this next month is going to be truly amazing. Even with these bipolar thoughts, I can only be optimistic about it all, and feel confident that everything will be ok.

07/12/2010

Serenity.

A beautiful feeling. That moment when everything just seems right with the world. No cares. No worries. No nothing. Just you and the world grasping life and appreciating every moment of it. It can be experienced at any random time. While sitting and reading a book outside, the moment you jump into a pool and stay under for as long as you can just staring at the blue walls, on top of the mountain where all you can see are other snow capped mountains untouched and smooth, that moment right before you decend down that run, or just standing there staring at the vast ocean as sun rises in the east. Any given moment, that peace lives in your system, unconciously telling that everything will be ok. The Past, Present, and Future drive your thoughts. The past is nothing but history to learn from, the present is an opportunity to take advantage of, and the future is shaped by the actions of our past and present. Like Robin Williams character says in The Dead Poets Society, "Carpe Diem. Sieze the day. Make your lives extraordinary." That's what it's all about. It's so easy gear away from the path, and lose sight of what matters. With all the negativity in this world, you can lose sight of it all. Fortunately, it's these moments of Peace that guide you back  making sure you make life extraordinary. Making life better than you could have ever imagined, whether alone, with friends, with family, that special someone, or with complete strangers. Life keeps going no matter what. There is no pause button, you just got to make sure that every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day is filled with with nothing but what you want, what makes you happy. Sounds selfish, but there is so much out there that creates happiness that's can make you look selfish as well as unselfish. There's so much out there. You just have to find it... So savor those moments of Serenity, it can help you uncover the best parts of life.

My future lies in Oregon. =] (Photo: A mountain in Oregon, taken from the plane)

Inspiration:

Kyle Taylor Hubbard

Born: May 11, 1992

He's just plain Awesome.

07/02/2010

Ever wish you had a filter system in your head that actually worked, and sometimes that certain things were never shot out of that deadly canister called a mouth. [All the time] It happens to the best of us. The worst part is feeling guilty. It sits in your mind, starts to rot and eat away your brain until you're strung out. Then you get heavy shoulders of regret. [Such a sucky feeling]. But why do we feel guilty after only blurting out Honesty. We are in America, and we do have the freedom of speech. We can say whatever the hell you want, whenever you damn please. [Amen] You shouldn't have to care how other people feel about what you say, but there's a but. In the words of John Mayer, "If you could only/Say What You need to Say/Say What you need to Say/...etc."[Say by John Mayer {duh}] Key words from that song, "if you could only." You can't always be that honest. Especially, when it comes to those that hold some piece of your heart, either big or small. That brutal honesty can sometimes cause them to clunch that piece they have of you, instaneously causing that guilty feeling to release. It then pierces you and gnaws away at you slowly and painfully. [Stupid filter] Fortunately, the strenous gnaw goes away, but only when you feel at peace. At peace with affected, and at peace with the yourself.

____________________________________

STOP. BREATHE. THINK. then SPEAK.

02/05/2010

Friday night, and I'm home.

Out of choice.

This week was long,

&

not how I wanted it to be.

My bed's been looking like heaven all week.

This weekend should be good.

Pooja's

Party's

&

Superbowl.

I'll rest tonight, but tomorrow

The fun begins.

02/04/2010

Late Night tonight, can barely keep my eyes open to write.

School's getting to me. It's becoming monotonous.

There'e no more motivation, it's left me.

Gone. Vanished. Disappeared.

It's a bad habit to fall into.

I don't want to fail.

It's not me.

So this.

Why?

Why is it happening to me?

02/03/2010

Wake Up.


Get Ready.

Go to School.

Come Back From School.

Eat a worthwhile snack.

& Watch DVR'd episodes of Gilmore Girls.

Start homwork.

Check Facebook.

Eat Dinner.

Check Facebook.

Continue Homework.

& download music from my sources.

Check Facebook.

Finish Homework.

Watch TV with mom.

Take some vitamins.

Read a book.

& convince myself to stop

Attempt to go to sleep.

Set Alarm Clock.

Day Dream.

Start

to

Drift...

Sleep.





Just an ordinary day in an adventurous world...

02/02/2010

Dinner Parties in the Middle of week are the BEST! Great food, great friends, just overall greatness. I love the people I surround myself with. The problem though: I have to wake up early to just get ready for school. Besides that downfall, tonight was fun. Laughing like no care in the world. I miss the feeling. It's just not the same anymore. This year everything changed. My friends changed, my life changed, my entire being changed. I don't know if I should be happy about it or sad. I miss the way things were before, but right now everything is so fresh and fun. Who knows, maybe I'm just being stupid, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I feel ignored at times, or even like I'm imposing. Is that a way a friend should feel. I didn't think it was, but that's what I'm experiencing. I just don't know anymore. It's hard. I miss being with my friends, but I don't feel like I belong. I feel like I need a new niche. Maybe it's a good thing I'm leaving next year, away from somewhere I probably don't belong.

02/01/2010

To you, today was just another monotonous February day. For me, and possibly every other Senior at my high school, there's only 108 days until graduation. 108. 1-0-8. May seem like a lot, but for us it's not that much. we have 108 days with eachother, until we never see eachother again. 108 days until we move on to the next bog phase of our lives. 108 days to establish the strongest bonds ever. 108 days until high schools done. What a thought. High school, done, FOREVER. We've been waiting so long for it to be over, especially first semester senior year. However, now, with days dwindling down closer to the big day, it's actually quite scary. Throughout high school, I've met some of the most extraordinary people. So many are my stable friends, that I'm able to count on, whom I've known almost all my life. It's weird to think that next year, you start a clean slate, you're basically going back to Kindergarden. You have to learn to make new friends, you have to make a good impression, you have to reestablish yourself. I'm scared. I have so much difficulty saying that, because I want to prove to my family and friends that I'm strong and can handle being put in a completely new situation where I don't know anyone. Don't get me wrong, I love to meet new people, but it's intimidating. Here you are, putting yourself out there, and they'll either become apart of your life, or they won't. I can't even think of a word to describe this feeling. It's a mix of vulnerability, fear, and excitement.

Although, I'm scared, I truely cannot wait for what will come into my life next year. I hope for the best, and will live my life with the goals I have in mind, with the adventures I wish to experience. But until then, let these 108 days pass. Let them pass with a new memory to treasure, with all my friends whom make high school worth while, with all the high school experience that will allow me to grow and be ready for what will come after those 108 days...

01/31/2010

Music is everywhere, it can be anything.

It can be a crash, or just the sound of your breathing.

It can be a cow mooing, or a baby crying.

It can be the tapping of you pencil or that [annoying] gum chewing sound.

If it's got a beat, it's music.

Music can take you back to a time when things were great,

or even sour.

Music drives your mind, whether you think about it,

or not.

Music lives in your heart as it beats to beat of a drum,

or the breathes that you take.

Music is you.

Music is your heart.

Music is your being.

Be enlightened.

Like Owen says in Just Listen by Sarah Dessen, "Music is a total constant. That's why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment."

What was I listening to while camping when this picture was taken: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson [RIP]

01/29/2010

The future is unclear....

Dust on a glass window.

There's always a vision,

the problem is

how you're going to get there.

You make steps along the way,

when things are clear.

You have some miss steps,

when things get fuzzy.

It's quite a journey,

to your future.

There are years when

things go perfectly

& there are some when things

don't go as planned

But

Suddenly there's that

year, that one special

year, where each step

is like walking on glass.

It's frightening, and exciting.

For years you live knowing what's

going to happen the following year;

where you were going,

what you were doing,

what you were going to do with friends.

Not anymore.

Next year is a dark hole

Next year is new

Next year,

I

Just

Don't

Know.

01/30/2010

Acceptance.

Tough topic if you think about it. I mean, yeah, sure, you accept people for who they are. But honestly, do you really? Think about it, whenever you pass someone that's "black" do you hold your stuff closer to your body? When you hear a racial joke, do you laugh hysterically? When someone says something that makes fun of someone slightly different form you, do you not stand up? Yeah, you might fall into one, two, or all of those, or something similar. I watched the movie "Milk" today. What an empowering movie about the struggle of acceptance. Since then America has changed, there are more laws now that prevent discrimination in a professional setting and allow marriage (in some states). Unfortunately, that's doing, as my dad would say, peanuts. There is still so much hate, and anamosity to such an amazing group of people, who do not choose to be who they are, but live their life based on who they are. Most accept themselves. Yet, there are so many who have such a hard time accepting who they are. It hurts me to see them love themselves for who they are, or reach out to someone whom they trust, just because of the rules of society. We're are America. Home of the Free, Land of the Brave. A country based on the principles of accepting people for who they are. How can we be free and brave, when society conjures rules on how we should live? How can we accept ourselves, when we can't accept others. No matter who you are, you deserve a "normal" life just like anyone else. Who care's if you're gay, straight, lesbian, or even bi, you deserve the same thing as everyone else. It is the choices that we make that define how we live. Make a choice, make a movement, make a life for you.

Acceptance has to start somewhere. So wy not start here... now?

"I'm Harvery Milk! And I'm here to recruit you!"

-Harvey Milk.

01/28/2010

Snow fell to earth last night. I love it, yet this attitude didn't last very long. Little Brothers; what a bother right. I understand that we fight, but this, this was bad. I don't understand why he was angry at me as much as he was. It pains me to see the way he reacted, absolutely pains me. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting, but maybe I'm not. All I know is I didn't do anything wrong. My mind tells me to forgive and forget, but my heart won't let me, and stops me before I leap. I have so much to release to him. My frustrations, my humor, my care, my compassion, our interests, our fun, our love. Feeling like strangers in our own home. The fight continues to cirlce and spazz throughout my life. Thankfully, maybe, hopefully, it can be over in just two ways. I wish it would settle now, but it might not be so. But thankfully, in a few more months, a few more months, just, a few more months, and I'll be gone. Away from home, Away from him, Away form the pain...