10/15/2010

Now, I am 19 years old &

I sit here and reflect. I look upon this past year and just think about everything that happened and didn't happen. I'm thinking about who I was as a person then, and who I am as a person now. Definitely a year older, maybe wiser, maybe stronger, but I'm definitely different. 18 started off rough. Busy with my senior year of high school, busy with college applications, busy with IB classes, busy with those stupid standardized college tests. Just busy. My future was unknown at this point, and that was scary. My relationships with certain people in my life were on the rocks. Alone, almost like no one understood was going on in my head. Just plastering on a fake smile, saying I was ok, and just dreading everyday. There was no fun in my life, that's for freaking sure. November and Decemeber went by like a haze. Nothing to report, just school and dreading it all. I remember having hope that maybe, just maybe that second semester of senior year would get better. It stayed the same. trying so hard to please people, and make them proud. I wasn't doing anything that made me happy. One of my best memories though was visiting Pacific, and just falling in love with the place. Everything about it just seemed right. It wasn't like I just made my decision right there to attend, but I could see myself going there. Spring break came and went and I heard back from all my schools. April, was decision making month. What a process that I don't ever want to relive. Just going back and forth, from this school to another. Talks abotu money, and can I really succeed. But finally, April 27th, at around 11:50, I made the best decision of my entire life. I chose to attend Pacific. After making that decisions, life seemed to get better. Senior events came around making the end so bittersweet, then end of IB hell was coming to and end, Prom was a blast with friends I'll keep forever, and graduation. May was a great month, especially that memorial day weekend. It was all too perfect. Summer wouldn't have been better. best summer of my life. Even though I took classes, it was still amazing! I loved it. Developing a relationship with that special someone, becoming friends with people I will never forget, and just spending my last few moments at home. August; what a whirlwind month. I said my hardest goodbyes and my happiest hellos. Moved to a new place that I now call my home, had cupid strike me with his bow and fall in love, and made friends of a lifetime. September just escalated. Everyday just got better and better with memories that will last me a lifetime. So many firsts it's hard to explain it all! Now it's October, and I can only see things getting better. my life at this moment, is literally at it's best, and I know that it's only getting better. I really look forward to this year to come as I celebrate each day with the people I have grown to love. I know I will spend my next year doing things I want and doing things that will make me happy. I will get out of my teen years with a BANG.

Happy Fucking Birthday to Me. =D

09/28/2010

Lying there,
Next to you,
Staring into your ocean blue eyes,
Your warm sweet coffee breath inflaming my nose,
Huddling close to keep warm,
Breathing hard with wonders of what you're thinking about,
Stealing kisses,
Listening to the waves crash,
In unison with your heart beat,
Playing with your hair,
And hands,
Trying to be sneaky and poking your arms,
Smiling for no reason except happiness,
Just staring into those ocean blue eyes,
Feeling so lucky,
To have found someone like you.


Every day, every moment, every breathe I take
is filled with your thoughts.
Yearning to see you, to hold you.
Then finally being with you,
and wanting the world to just
STOP.
So
You
and Me
could just stay there
in that moment forever.

This past month has been nothing but great.
Each week with you progressively gets better.
Who would have thought that one message many moons ago,
could lead to something as powerful as what we have now.
If this month can be as amazing as it has been,
I cannot wait to see what our future together hold.
But as far as I can see right now...
You + Me
Living our dreams
Living our life
With nothing but an adventurous mind,
& Love in our hearts.

Happy One Month Babe! <3 I love you more than anything else in this world.

Our Beach

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWiwuiT58Yc&ob=av2n

09/11/2010

I've been here, in my new home for three weeks, that's 21 days, 504 hours [about]. In these past few weeks, I finally have been able to be me. Feel free, make my own decisions about what I do, and when I do it. I can finally tell people that I'm a college student, living on my own, 1352 miles away from home, and loving every fucking minute of it. This may seem wrong to you, but I don't miss home. Not one bit. I have finally been able to taste the freedom that I have been longing for the longest time. In these three weeks, I have accomplished so many things. Living on my own, my first kiss, skydiving, meeting new people on a day to day basis, finding my new best friends, and my first love. <3 It's just amazing! There's just so much positivity about everything that's going on in my life right now. Everything, for once is going right. I'm surrounded by people who I know I can count on, and away from people who bring nothing but negativity. I'm in love with my best friend. The one guy that just makes everything better, and everytime we're together I learn something new about him that makes me love him more. I really cannot express it enough. I am in love with everything in my life. I'm finally living my life to the degree I want. ME! I no longer worry about certain consequences that associate with where I lived before. Coming to Pacific Northwest was the best decision I have ever made. I know for a fact this is where I'm supposed to be and every day here confirms it.

I didn't know that life could be so perfect, but apparently it can.

08/27/2010

I can not wait to see you.

The Anticipation is killing me.

There are not enough words to describe what I'm feeling inside.

Saturday is almost here...

<3

08/10/2010

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you're never happy. I can't ever do anything right. EVER. I feel useless and like a burden. I hate it when you blame others for the reasons, and not yourself. Did you ever maybe think that it's you that creates all this animosity, all these problems. Your attitude that makes this house a negative environment to live in. Everyday is like walking on pins and needles, you don't know when one's going to hurt you. Sometimes I feel like it's your aim to get me into this state of self doubt, and self pity. I have no confidence in myself. I feel like I will never be able to attain and reach my goals in life. I feel like I can't do anything. All this panic, all this pain. I just want to get away from it. Yes, I will finally be moving away from all of it, but I feel like your words will constantly haunt me. Even with being 1,352 miles away, I will continue to feel your pressure hovering over me. A distraction telling me that I can't do it. I'm not smart enough, I am just but a disappointment to everyone. I feeling I hate to feel. And to think that just 30 minutes ago, I was laughing and smiling. And in one moment it all came crashing down. I'm trying so hard not to hate things, but it's situations like this that make me use this "profanity."I just don't know. It hurts so much to live in this kind of environment. I sometimes just can't control what I'm feeling, and maybe one day I'll just lash out! I almost did today, but thankfully you didn't hear my words. that would've created more problems. Something I don't need more of. There's so much left to do, and not enough time to get it done. And these feelings are not what needs to be here right now. We need to be civil and at least appreciate the time that's left. The time left until we don't see eachother for a while. or maybe that's exactly what we need. time apart. Maybe you'll realize and I'll realize how we can fix this relationship, if we even can fix it. or how wrong you are about me. I don't know. i used to be so sure abou everything, and now everyday I question my decisions. Everything. Every step I've taken to go for my dreams. Did you ever believe I could do it? Siince day one, did you believe? Because I know now that you don't have any faith in me. The faith that will probably give me that extra push to do well. I'm missing that... I need someone to fill it, if your not able to do so.

Thankfully, there's that one guy. who listens, and does believe in me. I'm thankful everyday to have that guy helping me fill and patch up that hole, that part that you took away from me. I sometimes don't think I would be able to hold my ground and sometimes even believe in myself for just a little bit without him. He helps me so much with what you destroy in me.

So maybe, I don't need you and your negativity. I don't need the crap and the bullshit to make me into something I'm not. Something I'm not happy about. Because right now, I'm feeling lost and helpless. Two of the many emotions that I hate to feel. I want to be happy again. Hopeful about my future. Confident about everything I do. It's a good thing I'm moving. Away from this, getting a little less of you, and more of him. And more of him means a better me...

08/02/2010

Rain...
Sweet Sweet Rain.
The peaceful pitter patter on the window.
The flashes and rumbles that push adrenaline into your veins.
The screams of excitement as kids [and even grown men and women] dance.
Giving life to the flowers, and trees, and shrubberies.
Quenching the animal kingdom.

Bringing out the creatures that hide in the dirt.

Making the world new, fresh, and beautiful.

I love Colorado in the late summer. Every night it rains, the mornings just get more beautiful.

Counting down the days until I will experience this in my new home. 21days.
My excitement is like building up like a storm! Once I land, I'm going to explode with flashes of my camera, screaming with excitement about how amazing everything is, and the water works when I have to say goodbye to the family. But once the storm is over... I'll wake up in the morning feeling new, fresh, and hopefully beautiful. =]

07/28/2010

25 days.

25 days left in the place I've called home for the past 13 years.

25 days left in my comfort zone.

25 days left to cherish 25 important aspects of my life:

1. Mom's constant nagging to get up in the morning

2. Buying the powerball every Wednesday and Saturday for dad
3. Laughing at Karan's jokes, and faces
4. My closest friends
5. Watching crappy quality Indian movies that my dad "got" with the family
6. Eating quality Indian food
7. The annoying dramatic effects found in Indian soap operas
8. Knowing that dad is right upstairs working hard
9. Watching Shahrukh Khan and simultaneously sighing with mama
10. Secretly having late night phone calls, skype dates, and sending texts much later than I should.
11. Moses
12. My room, my bed, my red wall
13. Inside jokes
14. Dad's crazily creative metaphors of life
15. Watching trashy tv shows with the brother
16. The computer next to me buzzing
17. The incessant clicking as Karan texts mysterious friends
18. Cooking whenever I'm feeling stressed
19. Dad telling me to take pictures of Colorado's wacky weather
20. Nikon CoolpixP90
21. Hearing mom's cell phone go off at odd hours of the night
22. The inviting noises from the kitchen
23. The smell of Chai in the morning and knowing how much I don't like it.
24. Frantically searching for scissors cause they're never in the right spot.
25. Importantly, hugging everyone that means so much to whenever I wanted too


=]


Everyday my excitement increases.


But


Memories about the past 18 years rush back with full force.


The good times, the bad times, and even the not so important times.


25 days and all this won't be the same anymore.


POOF! Gone...