08/27/2010

I can not wait to see you.

The Anticipation is killing me.

There are not enough words to describe what I'm feeling inside.

Saturday is almost here...

<3

08/10/2010

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you're never happy. I can't ever do anything right. EVER. I feel useless and like a burden. I hate it when you blame others for the reasons, and not yourself. Did you ever maybe think that it's you that creates all this animosity, all these problems. Your attitude that makes this house a negative environment to live in. Everyday is like walking on pins and needles, you don't know when one's going to hurt you. Sometimes I feel like it's your aim to get me into this state of self doubt, and self pity. I have no confidence in myself. I feel like I will never be able to attain and reach my goals in life. I feel like I can't do anything. All this panic, all this pain. I just want to get away from it. Yes, I will finally be moving away from all of it, but I feel like your words will constantly haunt me. Even with being 1,352 miles away, I will continue to feel your pressure hovering over me. A distraction telling me that I can't do it. I'm not smart enough, I am just but a disappointment to everyone. I feeling I hate to feel. And to think that just 30 minutes ago, I was laughing and smiling. And in one moment it all came crashing down. I'm trying so hard not to hate things, but it's situations like this that make me use this "profanity."I just don't know. It hurts so much to live in this kind of environment. I sometimes just can't control what I'm feeling, and maybe one day I'll just lash out! I almost did today, but thankfully you didn't hear my words. that would've created more problems. Something I don't need more of. There's so much left to do, and not enough time to get it done. And these feelings are not what needs to be here right now. We need to be civil and at least appreciate the time that's left. The time left until we don't see eachother for a while. or maybe that's exactly what we need. time apart. Maybe you'll realize and I'll realize how we can fix this relationship, if we even can fix it. or how wrong you are about me. I don't know. i used to be so sure abou everything, and now everyday I question my decisions. Everything. Every step I've taken to go for my dreams. Did you ever believe I could do it? Siince day one, did you believe? Because I know now that you don't have any faith in me. The faith that will probably give me that extra push to do well. I'm missing that... I need someone to fill it, if your not able to do so.

Thankfully, there's that one guy. who listens, and does believe in me. I'm thankful everyday to have that guy helping me fill and patch up that hole, that part that you took away from me. I sometimes don't think I would be able to hold my ground and sometimes even believe in myself for just a little bit without him. He helps me so much with what you destroy in me.

So maybe, I don't need you and your negativity. I don't need the crap and the bullshit to make me into something I'm not. Something I'm not happy about. Because right now, I'm feeling lost and helpless. Two of the many emotions that I hate to feel. I want to be happy again. Hopeful about my future. Confident about everything I do. It's a good thing I'm moving. Away from this, getting a little less of you, and more of him. And more of him means a better me...

08/02/2010

Rain...
Sweet Sweet Rain.
The peaceful pitter patter on the window.
The flashes and rumbles that push adrenaline into your veins.
The screams of excitement as kids [and even grown men and women] dance.
Giving life to the flowers, and trees, and shrubberies.
Quenching the animal kingdom.

Bringing out the creatures that hide in the dirt.

Making the world new, fresh, and beautiful.

I love Colorado in the late summer. Every night it rains, the mornings just get more beautiful.

Counting down the days until I will experience this in my new home. 21days.
My excitement is like building up like a storm! Once I land, I'm going to explode with flashes of my camera, screaming with excitement about how amazing everything is, and the water works when I have to say goodbye to the family. But once the storm is over... I'll wake up in the morning feeling new, fresh, and hopefully beautiful. =]